I miss my best friend.

I can’t wait to have my best friend back. I miss him a lot right about now. God has been so gracious to bless me with an amazing boyfriend. The way we met and got to know each other was completely a God thing. He is more than I could have ever dreamt for myself. He far surpasses my dreams. But he is in Africa right now. He is living among some of the tribal people in Tanzania. He is meeting amazing people and serving as the hands and feet of Christ. I am so proud of him, yet I miss him terribly. I know that he is with fantastic people doing fantastic things, but I can’t talk to him and that just stinks! It is like my best friend has gone missing. I can’t share stories with him or tell him about the funny things that happen. I can’t tell him how I slept or tell him what happened on the latest episode of who knows what. I’m simply here, a little lonely, missing my best friend, wishing I was right alongside him. It is an odd concept when you think about the idea of missing a person. It almost hurts, but why? Why does it hurt to miss someone? I think it’s because it’s so good when you’re together, that when you separate it’s that much worse. It’s like you’re both connected to opposite sides of a rubber band and when you separate the rubber band stretches with you. This creates a tension that brings a certain sense of pain. But, that tension stretches the rubber band and it grows, making the relationship that much stronger. Or, the rubber band can break, ending the relationships altogether. So I guess distance is good. It really stinks but it does make a relationship stronger or it ends one that wasn’t good in the first place. But the stretching still hurts. I can’t wait to have my best friend back. I miss him

What a Blessing

The Lord has been good to me. He has brought a wonderful, God-fearing man into my life. He has such a huge heart for the Lord and he is so compassionate toward everyone. He loves life and does not take it for granted. He is a gentleman but also a goofball. He's hard headed and happy. He is quite wonderful. I am excited to see what happens. I am just continuing to surrender it to the Lord everyday to let him guide it and lead us. God knows what he's doing. I am happy to follow his good and perfect will no matter where it leads.

Surrender.

To give up. To let go. To relinquish possession or control to another. To give back. To abandon. This is difficult. It is also necessary. God is in control and I am not. He is the Lover of my soul and the one that guides my life. He knows the plan and I do not. Surrender is tough. There are so many times and so many things that I keep in my head, in my heart, in my mind, but they do not belong to me. I need to surrender them and trust God with them. I must abandon my life and give it over to Him, I must give it back to Him. It is His. My life is His. He has given it to me and He can take it away. It's just tough right now. My heart is breaking a little bit tonight. I need Him to take it because I can't right now. Lord, please come hold my heart. It hurts tonight.

Oh Emotions...

"I've been spending all my time, just thinkin bout ya, I don't know what to do, I think I'm falling for you..." The lovely words of Colbie Caillat, but today they speak to my longing heart. There's this boy. I promise, I am not boy crazy, ok, maybe I have been, but this one is different. He is exactly what I've always wanted in a guy. He's loud, and sometimes obnoxious. He's completely hilarious all the time. He love music and Taylor Swift! What! How awesome. I don't know how to deal with this crush of mine. I know that God has a plan and that he will work everything out. I guess I'm just struggling with surrender right now. I need to give this to God and truly let him take it. I know that I can no longer control my life, I have to surrender it to him. I love you Lord. Please take this situation and use it. I know you have a will and an amazing plan for my life. That plan is all I want. Help me to do as you will Lord!

Daddy

Well, I'm feeling a little torn up right now. My parents are amazing. I love them so much! I miss them. I cannot wait to go home for Christmas. I want my mother to know that she is my best friend and I want my father to know that he is my strength. He has given me so much. I respect him so much. I wish we got along better. I don't know how to fix that. All he ever talks to me about is my bank account and my grades. I know that he loves me but I wish he would take the time to get to know me. I want him to figure out what I'm all about. I want him to know me. I love him so much; I don't know where I would be without him.

Snow

There is snow all over the ground. Everywhere. It's covering everything and it is so beautiful. I always love the first monumental snow of the year. It's a blanket of white. It reminds me that God is big enough, not only to cover my entire line of sight with snow, but also all my sins with his forgiveness. I am feeling rather nostalgic on this snowy morning. I have this long tradition of walking in the first snow, for the last three years I have had someone to walk with me, but not this year. I will be walking in solitary, with only my God with me. It has been a struggle, but I think I'm more and more used to being independent, being free from dependence on another. I still wonder if God will bring someone into my life and if so when he will do it. It's all on his timing, I just think I am a little impatient sometimes.

Fear

I like him. I like him a lot. We had so much fun together last night. This is so difficult for me. I want to be able to trust God with this and give it to him, but a part of me just wants to hold on to it. I want to make him like me too! I realize that this is acting out of fear. I learned this weekend that fear shows itself in many ways in our lives. I am afraid of not being loved. I am afraid of committing to some and him not committing to me. This is fear and fear allows us, in our sinful nature, to take control and plan and keep life explainable. It allows us to take God's plan and throw it out the window. If we don't trust God and his mighty will for our lives, then we are left empty and searching. I want to love God enough to allow him to work in my life. I want his will for my life. Unfortunately it is just so difficult to give up control. I am trying and I am working at it. I don't think it's something that happens over night. I think it is a day to day process of acknowledging God and his plan. Every morning telling God that he is in control and I am not. If it is supposed to work out between me and this boy, it will. If God has planned for it, it will happen, because I am giving my life over to his good and perfect will.