Oh Emotions...

"I've been spending all my time, just thinkin bout ya, I don't know what to do, I think I'm falling for you..." The lovely words of Colbie Caillat, but today they speak to my longing heart. There's this boy. I promise, I am not boy crazy, ok, maybe I have been, but this one is different. He is exactly what I've always wanted in a guy. He's loud, and sometimes obnoxious. He's completely hilarious all the time. He love music and Taylor Swift! What! How awesome. I don't know how to deal with this crush of mine. I know that God has a plan and that he will work everything out. I guess I'm just struggling with surrender right now. I need to give this to God and truly let him take it. I know that I can no longer control my life, I have to surrender it to him. I love you Lord. Please take this situation and use it. I know you have a will and an amazing plan for my life. That plan is all I want. Help me to do as you will Lord!

Daddy

Well, I'm feeling a little torn up right now. My parents are amazing. I love them so much! I miss them. I cannot wait to go home for Christmas. I want my mother to know that she is my best friend and I want my father to know that he is my strength. He has given me so much. I respect him so much. I wish we got along better. I don't know how to fix that. All he ever talks to me about is my bank account and my grades. I know that he loves me but I wish he would take the time to get to know me. I want him to figure out what I'm all about. I want him to know me. I love him so much; I don't know where I would be without him.

Snow

There is snow all over the ground. Everywhere. It's covering everything and it is so beautiful. I always love the first monumental snow of the year. It's a blanket of white. It reminds me that God is big enough, not only to cover my entire line of sight with snow, but also all my sins with his forgiveness. I am feeling rather nostalgic on this snowy morning. I have this long tradition of walking in the first snow, for the last three years I have had someone to walk with me, but not this year. I will be walking in solitary, with only my God with me. It has been a struggle, but I think I'm more and more used to being independent, being free from dependence on another. I still wonder if God will bring someone into my life and if so when he will do it. It's all on his timing, I just think I am a little impatient sometimes.

Fear

I like him. I like him a lot. We had so much fun together last night. This is so difficult for me. I want to be able to trust God with this and give it to him, but a part of me just wants to hold on to it. I want to make him like me too! I realize that this is acting out of fear. I learned this weekend that fear shows itself in many ways in our lives. I am afraid of not being loved. I am afraid of committing to some and him not committing to me. This is fear and fear allows us, in our sinful nature, to take control and plan and keep life explainable. It allows us to take God's plan and throw it out the window. If we don't trust God and his mighty will for our lives, then we are left empty and searching. I want to love God enough to allow him to work in my life. I want his will for my life. Unfortunately it is just so difficult to give up control. I am trying and I am working at it. I don't think it's something that happens over night. I think it is a day to day process of acknowledging God and his plan. Every morning telling God that he is in control and I am not. If it is supposed to work out between me and this boy, it will. If God has planned for it, it will happen, because I am giving my life over to his good and perfect will.

Lucky Number 7

Overwhelmed is the word I would use. 7 men in my life. How do I deal with that? It is way too much to handle. I have successfully realized, as these past few weeks have rolled on, that God knows what He's doing. I am continually allowing these guys and other distractions of my daily to life to overshadow God and His dominion in my life. I am pushing Him to the back burner when He should be int he forefront. I am allowing this male attention to build me up. I am living out of the flesh, out of my sinful nature, instead of putting my faith and trust in God and His plan and His timing. This is the sin I always revert back to. It is where I go when I need reassurance and when I need to feel a sense of belonging. This is not right! Living this way displeases and dishonors the God of the Universe. I am stepping back. I am giving these men and all these relationships to God. If any of them are supposed to be with me in the future, they will be. I do not hae to continually seek their approval or their attention. God is the one I need to be focusing on, now and always. Thank you Lord for your unending love and forgiveness!

Searching

Why do we as humans always want more? We're stuck in this cycle of constantly wanting the newest, the bigger, the best. We forget to be thankful for everything we have and how much it means to us. I am guilty of this phenomena. We want people to read our minds and say exactly the right thing. In reality, they can't read our minds and they're saying something so wonderful but we can't take it at face value. We analyze. We nitpick. We criticize. Why? This makes no sense. I say that it's time we start appreciating what we have and loving the people in our lives for the people they are. Let's stop trying to fix them. Let's love them. God has given show much for us. He loves us so much and we are nothing but continual sinners committing the same offenses over and over again. Why are we searching for more than that amazing, incredible love as if God's love is not enough. It is enough! God's love is sufficient! It is more than enough, it covers all our dirty, despicable sin and saves us! How amazing. What an amazing and truly overwhelming love.

Thoughts on Love

I am definitely a romantic. I am a person that is in love with love. I am a fan of all that is romance. However, when I am in a relationship, I tend to be very realistic. I consider very carefully before I begin dating anyone. It is not, and cannot be all about love, romance, or a feeling. Yes, I think this plays a part in a romantic relationship, but if that is all that is there, the relationship will be very shallow and will not last long. Like it or not, that feeling fizzles and what’s left is friendship, an understanding of who someone is that we take for face value. True love is not about romance at all. True love is about completely understanding a person and still wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with that person. It is about loving everything, even the flaws, and the things that are not easy to love. Love becomes a choice, after awhile it is not a feeling.