Oh Emotions...

"I've been spending all my time, just thinkin bout ya, I don't know what to do, I think I'm falling for you..." The lovely words of Colbie Caillat, but today they speak to my longing heart. There's this boy. I promise, I am not boy crazy, ok, maybe I have been, but this one is different. He is exactly what I've always wanted in a guy. He's loud, and sometimes obnoxious. He's completely hilarious all the time. He love music and Taylor Swift! What! How awesome. I don't know how to deal with this crush of mine. I know that God has a plan and that he will work everything out. I guess I'm just struggling with surrender right now. I need to give this to God and truly let him take it. I know that I can no longer control my life, I have to surrender it to him. I love you Lord. Please take this situation and use it. I know you have a will and an amazing plan for my life. That plan is all I want. Help me to do as you will Lord!

Daddy

Well, I'm feeling a little torn up right now. My parents are amazing. I love them so much! I miss them. I cannot wait to go home for Christmas. I want my mother to know that she is my best friend and I want my father to know that he is my strength. He has given me so much. I respect him so much. I wish we got along better. I don't know how to fix that. All he ever talks to me about is my bank account and my grades. I know that he loves me but I wish he would take the time to get to know me. I want him to figure out what I'm all about. I want him to know me. I love him so much; I don't know where I would be without him.

Snow

There is snow all over the ground. Everywhere. It's covering everything and it is so beautiful. I always love the first monumental snow of the year. It's a blanket of white. It reminds me that God is big enough, not only to cover my entire line of sight with snow, but also all my sins with his forgiveness. I am feeling rather nostalgic on this snowy morning. I have this long tradition of walking in the first snow, for the last three years I have had someone to walk with me, but not this year. I will be walking in solitary, with only my God with me. It has been a struggle, but I think I'm more and more used to being independent, being free from dependence on another. I still wonder if God will bring someone into my life and if so when he will do it. It's all on his timing, I just think I am a little impatient sometimes.

Fear

I like him. I like him a lot. We had so much fun together last night. This is so difficult for me. I want to be able to trust God with this and give it to him, but a part of me just wants to hold on to it. I want to make him like me too! I realize that this is acting out of fear. I learned this weekend that fear shows itself in many ways in our lives. I am afraid of not being loved. I am afraid of committing to some and him not committing to me. This is fear and fear allows us, in our sinful nature, to take control and plan and keep life explainable. It allows us to take God's plan and throw it out the window. If we don't trust God and his mighty will for our lives, then we are left empty and searching. I want to love God enough to allow him to work in my life. I want his will for my life. Unfortunately it is just so difficult to give up control. I am trying and I am working at it. I don't think it's something that happens over night. I think it is a day to day process of acknowledging God and his plan. Every morning telling God that he is in control and I am not. If it is supposed to work out between me and this boy, it will. If God has planned for it, it will happen, because I am giving my life over to his good and perfect will.

Lucky Number 7

Overwhelmed is the word I would use. 7 men in my life. How do I deal with that? It is way too much to handle. I have successfully realized, as these past few weeks have rolled on, that God knows what He's doing. I am continually allowing these guys and other distractions of my daily to life to overshadow God and His dominion in my life. I am pushing Him to the back burner when He should be int he forefront. I am allowing this male attention to build me up. I am living out of the flesh, out of my sinful nature, instead of putting my faith and trust in God and His plan and His timing. This is the sin I always revert back to. It is where I go when I need reassurance and when I need to feel a sense of belonging. This is not right! Living this way displeases and dishonors the God of the Universe. I am stepping back. I am giving these men and all these relationships to God. If any of them are supposed to be with me in the future, they will be. I do not hae to continually seek their approval or their attention. God is the one I need to be focusing on, now and always. Thank you Lord for your unending love and forgiveness!

Searching

Why do we as humans always want more? We're stuck in this cycle of constantly wanting the newest, the bigger, the best. We forget to be thankful for everything we have and how much it means to us. I am guilty of this phenomena. We want people to read our minds and say exactly the right thing. In reality, they can't read our minds and they're saying something so wonderful but we can't take it at face value. We analyze. We nitpick. We criticize. Why? This makes no sense. I say that it's time we start appreciating what we have and loving the people in our lives for the people they are. Let's stop trying to fix them. Let's love them. God has given show much for us. He loves us so much and we are nothing but continual sinners committing the same offenses over and over again. Why are we searching for more than that amazing, incredible love as if God's love is not enough. It is enough! God's love is sufficient! It is more than enough, it covers all our dirty, despicable sin and saves us! How amazing. What an amazing and truly overwhelming love.

Thoughts on Love

I am definitely a romantic. I am a person that is in love with love. I am a fan of all that is romance. However, when I am in a relationship, I tend to be very realistic. I consider very carefully before I begin dating anyone. It is not, and cannot be all about love, romance, or a feeling. Yes, I think this plays a part in a romantic relationship, but if that is all that is there, the relationship will be very shallow and will not last long. Like it or not, that feeling fizzles and what’s left is friendship, an understanding of who someone is that we take for face value. True love is not about romance at all. True love is about completely understanding a person and still wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with that person. It is about loving everything, even the flaws, and the things that are not easy to love. Love becomes a choice, after awhile it is not a feeling.

Friends or Forever?

So, I’m getting this out here, so that I can put all my thoughts to rest and finally be free from them. There is this incredible, Godly man in my life and he has become my best friend. I look out for him and he looks out for me. We talk all the time, about anything at all. We are just so comfortable sharing with each other and opening up to each other. His walk with God and his passion for the Lord makes me want to pursue God more. I can only hope that my relationship with God does the same for him. I honestly feel as if he could be my one. If I were to marry him I know my life would be worthwhile. He would make me the happiest girl on this planet. His heart for god is amazing and his heart for others is so huge too. He wants to go into ministry and for me that is such an amazing thing because I want to spend my life in ministry, even if it’s not technically called ministry. I just want to follow God wherever he leads me and I want my husband to want that too. I have no idea what God has in store for me, but right now I cannot handle a relationship. Right now, I am not strong enough to trust God on my own. If another person was in my life, my relationship with God would go down the drain, and I am perfectly aware of that. If he is what God wants for my life, it is perfect, because right now, this amazing man is interested in a girl he knows from back home. She is a great girl and he has had his eye on her forever, and she is recently single. They have been talking like crazy and they are on the fence deciding if dating is the right course of action. This is good, because it allows us to continue our friendship without me beginning to have feelings for him. It is a genuine friendship! I love that! And right now, I am looking for my best friend. I am searching for a woman that God will bring into my life to guide me closer to Him and to confide in and to invest in. I need to find my best friend in a woman before I can find my best friend in a man, my husband. I guess what all this boils down to is that, if this is what God wants for my future, He could not have more perfect timing. However, it is so dangerous for me to think that way because I do not want to set my heart on him if he is not the one God wants me to marry. I am working on trusting God and surrendering everything I’m holding on to, especially my need for a man, to Him. That is all that I want to be focused on right now. Trust. Surrender. Love unselfishly.

Easy is not Always Better

Why is life so confusing and hectic and just plain difficult sometimes? Why doesn't anyone ever say what they feel or get what they want? Why are the cute guys the jerks and the sweet guys the nerds? It is so hard for me to trust God right now. He is so wonderful and has the perfect plan for me, but I wish I could just figure that plan out. I would really love to know who I'm going to marry. Knowing that one thing would make this time in my life so much easier, but then again, it wouldn'e allow me to completely rely on God to lead me. So, I guess I learned tonight that easy is not always better. You learn a lot by doing things the hard way.

Hopeless

Are we destined to choose between our dreams and love? Every time I feel like I have balance in my life and I really am the person God has designed me to be, I meet a guy, fall in love, and I change. I become a different person. I mold to them. Is that normal? I blend myself into "their type" or the person they're looking for. That woman is not me, she's a person that wants to be loved so much that she'll change into anything to keep the man, just so that she's not living a life alone and loveless. It seems so hopeless. To take a quote from a movie I recently saw, "I allow myself to be miserable with a person, so that I can be happy that I have them." It doesn't make much sense. Does it? So my question is, how do I ever find love? Am i forced to live a life that makes me choose between love and happiness. I don't think it should be like that. Love should equal happiness. I guess I just have to find me and my life and love will fit in it somewhere, and add an unspeakable happiness. Is that right? I hope it is. I am a hopeless romantic and i want to find that love. that love that is so powerful that it creates a feeling inside of you that is complete and true happiness. It is completely and truly me. I don't want to have to change for love, I want it to find me and fit me perfectly. It all just seems so hopeless right now.

Such a Blessing

Friends are one of God's gifts in life. They are wonderful. Even on your darkest day a true friend will be right by your side to be there for whatever you need. Whether its to cheer you up, give you a hug or a warm smile, or even just to listen. They are so important and such a blessing to a burdened heart. Never underestimate the power of friendship and never take your friends for granted, because just their presence can mean so much.

How do you go on?

When everything you thought was true turns out ot be a lie, how do you move past that? When you plan a life and dream of a future with someone ans they leave you, when do you begin to dream again? My heart is heavy tonight. I guess I'm in a place that is difficult to move on from. I thought I had love. I thought I had found my husband, the man God was leading me to date and eventually marry. Everything felt perfect. It was like a fairytale. He did all the right things and convinced me that he was the one. We had long talks about the future, our future. He told me how much he loved me. He made me feel beautiful and loved. Then we spent three months apart and our entire relationship crumbled. Turns out he had changed for me. He became what I wanted him to be, what I needed him to be. It was a game to him. He wanted to win my affection, my love, my devotion, my everything. He managed to get it, but along the way he changed himself to get me. While we were apart, he became himself again and he wasn't that guy I had fallen in love with. He was different and I didn't like it. Eight days later, he was back together with his ex from back home. What does that mean? How do I move on from that. I put my everything in his hands and he threw it right back in my face. All my hopes and dreams for my future were crushed. So now, I am beginning to dream for myself. I am figuring out me and my goals for life and how I want to live it. I am also figuring out the kind of man I want to be with, even though I won't be with one for a long while, I can't bear to put myself through that again. I am more guarded now than i have ever been in my entire life. I have betrayed and lied to and crushed. I am deciding to rely on my God with everything in me. He is in control. He has me in his hands, in his grip. He loves me and has the absolute best plan for me. Now for the hard part, I have to learn to trust him.

My Wish

If I could give you anything, it would be comfort on the difficult days, smiles when all seems hopeless, rainbows to follow the storms, laughter to grace your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs to get you through the day, beauty beyond explanation, friends that make you truly live, courage to know the person you are, patience to accept the truth, and a love that takes your breath away.

Rain

Tonight, it’s raining. I love the rain. It puts me at a sudden ease, a peace wraps around my body and I feel safe in the sound. Is that normal? Is that right? Some people run at the first sign of a rain cloud. Sometimes a downpour can be scary. Rain is not always safe and comforting. Sometimes it storms and everything falls out of place and the rain comes down so hard that you can’t hear anything else. Storms seem to shift things and clear the air. But the sound, it’s just so soothing. And there’s lightning. Lightning strikes and can severely injury and kill. It always comes with the rain. Floods can cause major devastation and so many things can be lost forever, all because of rain. So, is rain like love? Love can be so soothing and feel so good, just like beautiful drops of rain, falling on warm skin on a summer’s night. But when those drops hit you, there’s no going back. You can’t make them go away. Eventually they will evaporate or soak right into your skin. I think that love is the same. Once you feel it you can’t easily get rid of it. Sometimes love fades and other times it totally overtakes you, seeping into your life, every part of it. And sometimes there are storms and love can turn on us and the ones we love can hurt us deeply, sometimes beyond repair. Does that mean we shouldn’t play in the rain to begin with? I don’t think so. Because the sound of rain is something that is so peaceful; it can bring so much comfort. I guess there are those that run away from the storms of love because they are scared to get a little wet. But I wouldn’t be one to run. I want to experience as much of that rain as I can. I want to stomp in the puddles and I want to be completely soaked in those beautiful rain drops. Floods can be heart wrenching. When we give our love away like its nothing, it can damage many hearts. Rain is something to be delighted in and to be used to replenish the earth, to complete a perfect cycle. It is not to be thrown around like something that doesn’t matter. A beautiful and gentle rain can bring so much peace. Go play in the puddles and dance in the storms, because if we don’t, then what’s the point? We miss out on so much joy and complete happiness. Storms might hurt, but if you’re not willing to feel life for all that it is then it’s not worth living! Feel everything, taste every drop, and never run away from the rain.